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Date:  

Fri, Dec 24, 1999 at 12:49:55 (EST)

From:  

Dung-beetle

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All

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Oh, my guru mariachi
Message:
Where, or where is my guru mariachi? I calleth, yet he cometh not across the 'jeweled skies' upon which I spendeth my time looking, as was promised.

He cometh not as Bottled Ram Piss said in his ever-popular sideways-printed book, 'You shoulda been here yesterday.' I calleth his name and yet he heareth me not.

I giveth many old twenty-dollar bills to his deevine mission of 'love and light,' yet he knoweth not mine own name, nor careth either!

He spendeth not his time with the 'poor and the weary' likes of me. He, much more wisely, spendeth his time lavishing small gifts upon those loyal buyers and sellers of written college manuscripts that giveth him so much 'gratitude' in return.

He siteth upon his 'golden throne' in the confines of his deevine palace in Mali-boo and cannot heareth me due to the noise of the 'fan which bloweth away noxious gases.'

He flyeth as with wings of gold, within his personal grace-belching aeroplane, over my place of dwelling yet he seeth me not. Nor doth he appear to look down upon me, his humblest dung-beetle. Believeth me, I am the humblest of the humble.... no one is humbler than me! But i strayeth from my prayer-in-disguise. (Notice the small 'i' because i'm the humblest....)

He driveth by me in his lavishly outfitted four-wheeled conveyance and giveth me not a glance, unless I geteth in his path, upon which time he blesseth me with a single-fingered salutation of respect for a fellow human being.

He only appeareth to answer those who throweth tasty-treats (into his face) with the loving words and deeds of a true master of creation. He protecteth his protectors with 'spirited' flights to his merciful safety.

I calleth and yet I heareth not a response, my guru mariachi. Should I look within (my wallet) for the response? Please answer me, my caring, loving lord of all the universes.... the greatest of pied-mariachi's. The teller of unchanging truths. Please answereth mine prayer. Heareth my plea! Looketh upon my ghee-splattered physical form (i madeth arti-candles last night) and telleth me something... anything...

Signed,
The humblest of your hoard of dung-beetles!

Date:  

Fri, Dec 24, 1999 at 13:23:36 (EST)

From:  

Guru Mariachi

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Re: Oh, my guru mariachi
Message:
My dung-beetle, your groveling has awakened my Cosmic Awareness, and all 64 powers have gone into overdrive. Alas, even though you long and ache for a word or glimpse from your Guru Mariachi, I must avoid you as you are still adrift in materialism; I understand that you have been keeping money to pay the mortgage, for food, and to pay the utilities. Oh you of little faith! Your Guru Mariachi, by whose grace the entire world stands still while you watch in silence, is being denied all of your love and cash! It used to be that all your twenties were tainted and I, through my benevolence took these evil tings off your hands, but now I know that every dime, every cent, every piece of legal tender in your possession and in your bank account has become tainted. Send it all to me; your faith will take care of you. If you believe hard enough, if you activate your optic nerve with enough sincerity, if you take naps under that Indian-print bed spread you purchased at Cost Plus Imports, you will be saved and will have all the food and rent money and utilities that you ever needed. However, if you fail in this area, it is your own fault, not your Guru Mariachi's. Now, send that money in by certified cheque.
ˇFeliz Navidad, my little dung'beetle!

Date:  

Fri, Dec 24, 1999 at 18:07:04 (EST)

From:  

dung-beetle

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Only by your grace
Message:
Oh, my guru mariachi: I feel so fulfilled. You have answered the call of thy humblest dung-beetle (just ask around, i really am the humblest). Thou hast actually spoken to me (unlike certain other gurus that we know). I've experienced thy grace and infinite mercy. Why.... thou must be god-incarnate.... I feel it, so it must be true, right? I need no proof of your divinity because I feel it, right here.... on my left side, kinda down a little right and in my back.... yeah, that's it..... or is it a pinched nerve? No, no it's love, I know it because I'm experiencing it and since I've had my brain washed appropriately, I KNOW that all love comes from the master because it's impossible for me to produce a feeling all by myself. Thank you, oh my guru mariachi, for straightening me right out! I'll give you the gratitude for which you asked (and asked, and asked, and asked....) Ahhh, love in thy favorite form and colour.... GREEN!

5 Brighter than 1000 suns as seen through night vision goggles
4 As bright as the lights on Maharaji's jet
3 As bright as a 60 watt light bulb
2 As bright as a pile of burning ghi on a swinging arti tray
1 As bright as the inner light as seen by the third eye
Other